Happy New Year!

There is something about the beginning of a New Year where the notion of Winter just doesn't fit for me. Maybe it's because I live in the South and have yet to experience real winter weather, or maybe it's because I automatically crave Spring as soon as the start of a new year arises.

I rang in my New Year with a bottle of sparkling Strawberry Fresa wine. Mmmm, you're telling me! It was so good I finished the bottle on my own! (I think I may have a glass left) The portion of my night was spent painting and drinking. I didn't have any original plans, a predicament I find to be a familiar one for me come every NYE.

We watched the ball drop last night and sipped Mimosa's. Hopefully some day I can experience NYE in the heart of Times Square in NYC.

What's everyone got going on for New Years?

Image by Susannah Conway.

Last night after writing my previous entry, I found myself finding something to do. My friend/ex-boyfriend, Vince opted to pick me up and take me out for half price appetizers at Applebees to catch up on the past six months. I'm so glad I can still call him a good friend of mine. Actually, I've been pretty good upon maintaining friendships with past romantic partners since I hate to bid farewell on bad terms. Never has it set well with me.

We talked like we've been friends forever, reminiscing over old times, checking out and rating the girls at the bar and even go as far as to ask me for advice on his recent ex-girlfriend. To know that he still confides in me with good intent is more invaluable to me then I think he realizes.

After Applebees we sat in his SUV for a good hour, talked and bullshitted. I think it was the first time I've ever seen him open up and cry, while trying to pull himself together. I have immense amount of respect for him and the way he handles things as of late.

When we were together, he was more self centered, closed off, emotionally and standoffish, which eventually led me to end the relationship. He also had nothing but great things to say about me when I asked about his moms opinion of me after I broke his heart and replied, "Mom was heartbroken along with me, she had a high opinion of you and loved you." Man, I was not expecting that. Not that his mom and I didn't get along, she was a lot of fun and I think about her health with nothing more then genuine concern.

It was a good talk. I let him know some of my concerns that I never expressed for the duration of our relationship, admitted that I may have been (reasonably) needy at times and even a little jealous of one of the employees at his store even though I absolutely adored her and her artistic abilities. I felt like it was something that needed to get out. He said his recent ex said the same thing about said employee and I laughed in relief that it wasn't just me!

So last night turned out to be a good one for the most part. Despite coming home to concerns regarding my relationship with Ryan. I don't know what to feel or think about some things. I still love and care about him and hope nothing more that our relationship is as strong as I keep trying to convince myself that it is. I just have some insecurities.

For instance, he is always excited to speak to me. Upon answering the phone he always says, "There's my girl" or "Babyyyyy!" and I love it. Those always put the conversation to a good start but lately it's like, in a less then enthusiastic tone, "Hey..." And as I noted yesterday, rushing me off the phone without as little as an "I love you" really annoys me. He always says I love you. Or I miss you. Or both. He doesn't call back, even if he says he's going too (He usually does) Also, my phones been off since the middle of the month, so his only means of contact without calling the house in the middle of the night is messaging me via Facebook. So, maybe I should cut him some slack, our friend DID just get back in town, he's a little preoccupied, but I'm feeling so unimportant to him, as if I'm the last person he thinks about. And if he does, he has a funny way of showing it.

I don't care to end things over his behavior over the past couple of days. I have put in to consideration that I can be quite difficult at times. Not necessarily that I am tough to please or tough on our relationship, but I do have my faults and I'll express a few.

1) My own insecurities regarding myself physically. I have a tendency of having negative self-talk out of subconscious, like, "I look so ugly", "Why can't I be pretty?", "My feet are so gross" and he's constantly telling me that I'm beautiful and the other day he got so fed up and said, "Stop! Stop saying these things about yourself that aren't true. You're beautiful and thin... it's not like you're disgustingly obese that you can't see your vagina" and I muttered, "I'm not perfect" and as a matter of factly he said, "Yes you are." (He always says You're perfect for me)

I realize this is something I need to get a hold on and stop. As part of my resolutions is to stop starting things with "I hate" or the negative self-talk that I just mentioned. It's never done me any good in past relationships because all of my ex-boyfriends have stressed enough that when they compliment me I have a way of disregarding them like a stick in the mud, as if to look at them and bold face say "You're a liar" And that can turn a good relationship around like THAT!

2) Lack of unemployment. I plan on having a job and have tried to look for one, I just took a break over the Holidays due to a quick relapse in depression. I have only been unemployed for the past couple of months so it's not like it's a permanent situation. I want a job and have no excuse. But I also don't control the job market. I can't force people to give me a job if they're not hiring.

His opinion on the matter is, "If I'm working and saving money so I can come home so you and I can finally be and live together. It says a lot about my efforts to making things work. You aren't putting effort in to having a job otherwise you'd have one already. And you need to have a job because I can't support you on my income, as much as I wish too. I want to be with you forever, I love you and care so I'm only saying this out of concern for you and me." As I was telling Vince last night, he made a pretty valid point saying a relationship is 100/100, we both nave to contribute equally. He's taking initiative to save up so he and I can get a place together and I'm not contributing to the funds.

Also being unemployed has put a damper on my mood. He always says, "Where's the fun, energetic, girlfriend that I am in love with?" So maybe this funk if putting a little strain on the relationship, but luckily, everything is only temporary.

A little reminder of the day for you (and for myself):

OOTD

Untitled by lovesong featuring ankle leggings

Took a trip on over to the Fresh Market tonight to grab dinner. I choose the Natural Chicken Wings and in the midst of searching around the gourmet candies, I noticed a display of Christmas candy marked 50% off. You know I'm there if there's a sale and it's candy of all things. So I grabbed Sunny Seed Drops (Chocolate covered sunflower seeds) and Milk Nonparelis, which I usually buy for movie nights at the house when the popcorn machine is brought out. I love it. I need to do a movie night since finding Under the Tuscan Sun in the entertainment center in the living room. Completely forgetting that I've owned it. Isn't that the best though? Finding things you forgot you had and getting excited about them all over again.

I'm not doing too much tonight. Ryan is being very distant since our friend got back in town. Just very short and quick to rush me off the phone. I don't get it, maybe they're just enjoying their guys night out since he's been deprived of social interaction over the Holidays, being stuck in California without me or his family and friends so I'm trying not to look too much in to it, just leads to trouble.

As the sun is starting to peak this early morning, I thought I'd sit here and make an update about everything that is on my mind, as I sip my coffee and dream of a fluffy pastry that I can't possibly have due to allergies (gluten, go figure). Here it goes...

First of all, I got some pretty good sleep last night. I conjured up the courage to finally tell Ryan, "We can't talk anymore past midnight" considering time differences between California and Florida are three hours apart. I can't take staying up til 1am ET when he's finally getting off of his shift 10pm PT at to talk to him, as much as I enjoy our talks before I go to sleep. I am deprived of proper shuteye and it's starting to show in my lack of energy and even in my face-- I look so tired lately. I did think it was cute when I logged in to FB this morning and found a message from him asking "Are you sleeping?" I don't think he took me seriously because I've been saying every night that I need to get back on a normal sleep pattern.

Second of all, I really need to get a move on tidying up this room! The disorganization going on is overwhelming. Funny enough, I manage to find everything in this mess I call a room, suffice to say my idea of organizing is a completely foreign concept to the majority of people I know. As long as I can find something, it's organized even if I have to shuffle under a stack of papers, fight off an army of dust bunnies and run the risk of having to refold a stack of laundry that's been clean for a month. I promise I'm 25, not 15. I have no problem volunteering myself to help clean my friends houses, but I suck when it comes to my own.

In the book I've been reading, "Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin she takes about various forms of "clutter". There's the remorse clutter, nostalgia clutter, the aspirational clutter, etc. and it's got me thinking about certain ways I can put "organizing properly" in to action, simply by organizing my clutter and going from there... to know there's a way of tackling something seemingly boring as cleaning and seeing it as this creative outlet gets me excited.

Well, I'm going to pour myself another cup of joe and leave you all with this fortune to think about and maybe even leave you smiling.

Uno) Believe in and stop expecting too much out of my relationship
Due) Lingerie. If not for anyone else then myself
Tre) Wear more earrings
Quattro) Coffee coffee coffee!
Cinque) Read more
Sei) Invest in some sturdy rainboots
Sette) & a nice cavas bag to store my sketch books in