Image by Susannah Conway.

Last night after writing my previous entry, I found myself finding something to do. My friend/ex-boyfriend, Vince opted to pick me up and take me out for half price appetizers at Applebees to catch up on the past six months. I'm so glad I can still call him a good friend of mine. Actually, I've been pretty good upon maintaining friendships with past romantic partners since I hate to bid farewell on bad terms. Never has it set well with me.

We talked like we've been friends forever, reminiscing over old times, checking out and rating the girls at the bar and even go as far as to ask me for advice on his recent ex-girlfriend. To know that he still confides in me with good intent is more invaluable to me then I think he realizes.

After Applebees we sat in his SUV for a good hour, talked and bullshitted. I think it was the first time I've ever seen him open up and cry, while trying to pull himself together. I have immense amount of respect for him and the way he handles things as of late.

When we were together, he was more self centered, closed off, emotionally and standoffish, which eventually led me to end the relationship. He also had nothing but great things to say about me when I asked about his moms opinion of me after I broke his heart and replied, "Mom was heartbroken along with me, she had a high opinion of you and loved you." Man, I was not expecting that. Not that his mom and I didn't get along, she was a lot of fun and I think about her health with nothing more then genuine concern.

It was a good talk. I let him know some of my concerns that I never expressed for the duration of our relationship, admitted that I may have been (reasonably) needy at times and even a little jealous of one of the employees at his store even though I absolutely adored her and her artistic abilities. I felt like it was something that needed to get out. He said his recent ex said the same thing about said employee and I laughed in relief that it wasn't just me!

So last night turned out to be a good one for the most part. Despite coming home to concerns regarding my relationship with Ryan. I don't know what to feel or think about some things. I still love and care about him and hope nothing more that our relationship is as strong as I keep trying to convince myself that it is. I just have some insecurities.

For instance, he is always excited to speak to me. Upon answering the phone he always says, "There's my girl" or "Babyyyyy!" and I love it. Those always put the conversation to a good start but lately it's like, in a less then enthusiastic tone, "Hey..." And as I noted yesterday, rushing me off the phone without as little as an "I love you" really annoys me. He always says I love you. Or I miss you. Or both. He doesn't call back, even if he says he's going too (He usually does) Also, my phones been off since the middle of the month, so his only means of contact without calling the house in the middle of the night is messaging me via Facebook. So, maybe I should cut him some slack, our friend DID just get back in town, he's a little preoccupied, but I'm feeling so unimportant to him, as if I'm the last person he thinks about. And if he does, he has a funny way of showing it.

I don't care to end things over his behavior over the past couple of days. I have put in to consideration that I can be quite difficult at times. Not necessarily that I am tough to please or tough on our relationship, but I do have my faults and I'll express a few.

1) My own insecurities regarding myself physically. I have a tendency of having negative self-talk out of subconscious, like, "I look so ugly", "Why can't I be pretty?", "My feet are so gross" and he's constantly telling me that I'm beautiful and the other day he got so fed up and said, "Stop! Stop saying these things about yourself that aren't true. You're beautiful and thin... it's not like you're disgustingly obese that you can't see your vagina" and I muttered, "I'm not perfect" and as a matter of factly he said, "Yes you are." (He always says You're perfect for me)

I realize this is something I need to get a hold on and stop. As part of my resolutions is to stop starting things with "I hate" or the negative self-talk that I just mentioned. It's never done me any good in past relationships because all of my ex-boyfriends have stressed enough that when they compliment me I have a way of disregarding them like a stick in the mud, as if to look at them and bold face say "You're a liar" And that can turn a good relationship around like THAT!

2) Lack of unemployment. I plan on having a job and have tried to look for one, I just took a break over the Holidays due to a quick relapse in depression. I have only been unemployed for the past couple of months so it's not like it's a permanent situation. I want a job and have no excuse. But I also don't control the job market. I can't force people to give me a job if they're not hiring.

His opinion on the matter is, "If I'm working and saving money so I can come home so you and I can finally be and live together. It says a lot about my efforts to making things work. You aren't putting effort in to having a job otherwise you'd have one already. And you need to have a job because I can't support you on my income, as much as I wish too. I want to be with you forever, I love you and care so I'm only saying this out of concern for you and me." As I was telling Vince last night, he made a pretty valid point saying a relationship is 100/100, we both nave to contribute equally. He's taking initiative to save up so he and I can get a place together and I'm not contributing to the funds.

Also being unemployed has put a damper on my mood. He always says, "Where's the fun, energetic, girlfriend that I am in love with?" So maybe this funk if putting a little strain on the relationship, but luckily, everything is only temporary.

A little reminder of the day for you (and for myself):

OOTD

Untitled by lovesong featuring ankle leggings

Took a trip on over to the Fresh Market tonight to grab dinner. I choose the Natural Chicken Wings and in the midst of searching around the gourmet candies, I noticed a display of Christmas candy marked 50% off. You know I'm there if there's a sale and it's candy of all things. So I grabbed Sunny Seed Drops (Chocolate covered sunflower seeds) and Milk Nonparelis, which I usually buy for movie nights at the house when the popcorn machine is brought out. I love it. I need to do a movie night since finding Under the Tuscan Sun in the entertainment center in the living room. Completely forgetting that I've owned it. Isn't that the best though? Finding things you forgot you had and getting excited about them all over again.

I'm not doing too much tonight. Ryan is being very distant since our friend got back in town. Just very short and quick to rush me off the phone. I don't get it, maybe they're just enjoying their guys night out since he's been deprived of social interaction over the Holidays, being stuck in California without me or his family and friends so I'm trying not to look too much in to it, just leads to trouble.

As the sun is starting to peak this early morning, I thought I'd sit here and make an update about everything that is on my mind, as I sip my coffee and dream of a fluffy pastry that I can't possibly have due to allergies (gluten, go figure). Here it goes...

First of all, I got some pretty good sleep last night. I conjured up the courage to finally tell Ryan, "We can't talk anymore past midnight" considering time differences between California and Florida are three hours apart. I can't take staying up til 1am ET when he's finally getting off of his shift 10pm PT at to talk to him, as much as I enjoy our talks before I go to sleep. I am deprived of proper shuteye and it's starting to show in my lack of energy and even in my face-- I look so tired lately. I did think it was cute when I logged in to FB this morning and found a message from him asking "Are you sleeping?" I don't think he took me seriously because I've been saying every night that I need to get back on a normal sleep pattern.

Second of all, I really need to get a move on tidying up this room! The disorganization going on is overwhelming. Funny enough, I manage to find everything in this mess I call a room, suffice to say my idea of organizing is a completely foreign concept to the majority of people I know. As long as I can find something, it's organized even if I have to shuffle under a stack of papers, fight off an army of dust bunnies and run the risk of having to refold a stack of laundry that's been clean for a month. I promise I'm 25, not 15. I have no problem volunteering myself to help clean my friends houses, but I suck when it comes to my own.

In the book I've been reading, "Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin she takes about various forms of "clutter". There's the remorse clutter, nostalgia clutter, the aspirational clutter, etc. and it's got me thinking about certain ways I can put "organizing properly" in to action, simply by organizing my clutter and going from there... to know there's a way of tackling something seemingly boring as cleaning and seeing it as this creative outlet gets me excited.

Well, I'm going to pour myself another cup of joe and leave you all with this fortune to think about and maybe even leave you smiling.

Uno) Believe in and stop expecting too much out of my relationship
Due) Lingerie. If not for anyone else then myself
Tre) Wear more earrings
Quattro) Coffee coffee coffee!
Cinque) Read more
Sei) Invest in some sturdy rainboots
Sette) & a nice cavas bag to store my sketch books in

Tarpon Springs and other various photos

Susie Sea!


I love candid photos like this!









Photos taken by me.


My brother on the far right during his trip to Alaska.


Catching Alaskin Hailbut.

1. What is your favourite item of clothing?
Jeans, tank tops and boots are my preferred style at the moment as it's chilly outside and I've found that when my feet are warm, I can take on anything! (Okay, not really BUT it's nice to go in to things with that outlook) Dresses, skirts and bikinis are up there too.

Untitled by lovesong featuring oversized handbags

2. What are your biggest obsessions?
Right now, I'd have to say it's learning Italian. As you have read in my previous updates, it is something I've marveled over since last Thursday. I've found that I am connecting more with my Italian roots, so all things Italy have really captured my attention lately.


3. Who inspires you?
Sophia Loren. She exudes the confidence that should be sought after by every women. I absolutely love that she's never given in to this forced notion that the media has inflicted upon women, young and old, that having the privilege of aging gracefully should be looked at in shame and disgust. She is the epitome of a strong, Italian women.

4. Who is your favourite designer and why?
Jill Stuart.


5. What is your favourite song ever?
Song, ever?! I don't have just one, but a handful of favorite songs.

Neil Young's "Harvest Moon", Billy Joel "Vienna"


6. What is your favourite song right now?
Taylor Swift, "Mine"

7. If you were a sweetie what would you be?
Probably a blue one donning some Maya Angelou quote rather then some silly adjective that isn't a reflection of myself. I think I have a lot more to say then just, "Hugs". Maybe, "For those who have given up on love, I say, 'Trust life a little more'"

8. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet- what words would describe your rainbow?
Resilience, Optimism, Fun-loving, Natural...

9. What's your favourite film?
Breakfast At Tiffany's, Eat, Pray, Love, Beautiful Girls.

10. Who's your favourite actor?
Julia Roberts.


11. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?
Costa Rica.

12. What are your 3 favourite smells?
I love the way mens cologne smells, the beach, Escape by Calvin Klein or Izzy Miyake's perfume.

13. What are your 3 favourite tastes?
I like an explosion of different flavors- salty, sweet and spicy.
I love making waffles, adding a slice of American cheese and bacon on top and drizzling it in honey!

14. What is your most treasured possession?
The diamond jewelry my grand mother gave to me before passing away.

15. What did you always want to be when you grew up?
A teacher, photographer, pilates instructor. I've always liked the idea of dabbling in a lot of different things to keep busy and always challenging myself.

16. If you were an ice-cream what flavour would you be?
Mint chocolate chip! I just think it's delicious.

17. If someone made a short film of your life, who would play you?
Probably a younger Sandra Bullock.

18. What would your perfect afternoon consist of?
Going out with a friend and chatting over lunch, then shopping, coming home and laying in bed, engaging in old cinema and reading my favorite blogs.

19. If you were a flower, what would you be?
A sunflower.

20. Tell me a random thing....be it your favourite line from a song, scene from a movie or quote from a book.....tell me about something that you love.....

Rest In Peace, Bellissimo Angelo!

When I see a lighthouse, whether in person or in a picture, I feel like it's my grand mothers way of telling me, "It's okay baby girl, I'm still with you."

May marks the 6th year without her. I miss her so SO much. Her smell, they way she called "Baby girl" to me. I miss watching Ice Skating every Holiday season with her and her stories about Costa Rica where she use to reside before coming back to Texas. I miss her beach house that was destroyed by Hurricane Ike a couple of years back. I miss her poodle, Tiger.

Suffice to say this past year has been a tough one. There is not a day that passes that I haven't reminisced her existence on earth with us. I'm often flooded and consumed by memories of her that it has become obnoxiously overwhelming to others. I'd get up every morning to the smell of my ex-boyfriends parents smoking cigarettes and brewing coffee and express to him that his house smelled like my grand mother, sometimes taking offense to this he'd say, "Uh, thanks... it's always good to know that you associated the smell of my house to your grand mothers addiction to coffee and cigarettes" and having to remind him that it was a good thing, at least in my opinion. It's not that often I get a hint of that smell and as strange as it sounds, a smell I'm fond of and cherish.

If moving to California to see my boyfriend isn't the insensitive I need to get out of here, then here's what is. Drew Bittel, an Orange County based photographer specializing in wedding and family portraits. I am in absolute awe of her photography and find a sleeping baby, much like the babies in these photos taken by Drew, angelically delightful. I feel a sense of peace and tranquility at the thought of craddling my own child to sleep in my arms some day. I've had the pleasure of rocking my cousins baby to sleep, and it is a gift worth treasuring. I can only dream until that day comes for me and my future husband.

Here are some of my favorite photos. And check out her portfolio and blog here.

"Where your treasure is, there you heart will be also"

1) A roadtrip in the Summer. To anywhere, preferably along the Eastern Coastal regions
2) Wishing to be in my boyfriends arms
3) Long, beautiful, curly locks, a la Miss Taylor Swift
4) A Dalmatian for my boyfriend. He wants one so much.

Operation Happiness Project; Day pre-project through 5

I have been spending the Holidays with my family. Sadly my boyfriend has to stay in California for the next couple of months since being promoted at his job. He was originally suppose to get back last Sunday but just can't afford the trip. I am learning to exercise patience and understanding as part of my project to bettering, improving, and being a happier me, seeing as if I were in his position I'd just want his support and above all respect for any decision I'd make concerning the same thing, so... that's that.

My niece came in to visit from St. Louis on the 16th and stayed here til the 24th... she left yesterday afternoon and I'd say the time I spent with her at the Airport was probably the most I spent with her while she was here. Over the past 4 days I had to re-evaluate some things and address some problems I began facing. First starting with myself... I wasn't happy with anything-- the only thing that I deemed important was my relationship with my bf, Ryan.

The day before I started my project, I was honest with him and myself and said, "I'm NOT happy. Not to say I'm not happy to have you but it's so much more to me then that, I can't let my relationship be the focal point of my happiness because if I can't be happy on my own, I can't expect you or anybody else to make me happy in the long run and that is something I don't care to put either of us through" and I am so lucky to have someone as amazingly graceful as him. He encourages me to want to be better and that is better then winning the lottery in my opinion.

I had this epiphany while laying in bed, on the verge of tears, talking to him over obstacles I was challenged with, I just couldn't fathom enough that that is the way I choose to be.

I did enjoy the last night with my niece though. I was already on day 3 of my project-- feeling like I could move a mountain if I felt like it. My confidence in my spiritual journey had sky-rocketed. I am not saying that I am not going to have a bad day, I expect those-- it's about my approach to handling things that are going to seem unbearably stressful. I say that being negative doesn't make you happy, right? So why am I going to feed on negative energy when I can instead be around things that I am passionate about and going to give me hope and motivate me in the direction that I am needing to go to change.

I have been in the process of trying to get back in to school. After being told that I needed 15 college credits to enlist with the Air Force I figured that I'd just stop trying-- I am 25, and the cut off age is 27. This was my outlook, plain and simple,the cup half empty point of view-- I was turning in to my ex-boyfriend that was pessimistic about everything if he didn't get his way; an outlook I hoped to never cultivate, yet had. It was not my normal way of seeing things. I'm a go-getter, someone that sets out for something and hopes to get it and if she doesn't then that's okay too. As long as I made some effort, that was good enough for me, and if it's something I felt was worthy of getting back up and trying again then even better!

I spent last night in Plant City for Christmas Eve with my family. My cousins both have 3 children and I am the only female of my cousins that DOESN'T have children, isn't married and I've yet to have my boyfriend over to meet the extended family and again, the only female that hasn't brought a guy to meet anyone, so imagine being compared to your cousins, constantly reminded that you're not married yet with no children of your own. Or having your Papa joke, "So, when are you bringing your girlfriend over to meet us?"

So, I am playing with my cousins 6 month old little boy. He is an absolute delight-- chubby cheeks, a smile to light up a room and just about the happiest baby you'd ever seen. I was in love, I even made a comment to Kristle about stealing him and possibly never returning him because I'd fallen in love. As the night went on, I found myself in the midst of all 6 children-- all between the ages of 6 months to 7 tears old. And I felt like I was in my element, to be in the company of these little creatures and felt, "I can do this all day!" and at that moment I figured out that I need to go to school to become a teacher, forget the Air Force. I knew that being around children and teaching made me happy.

I got home, fell asleep and later in to the night after my body got the much needed rest it'd been craving, I called my boyfriend. As always if he and I go a portion of the day having no contact, we're immensely that much more excited to speak with each other, so I get on the phone with him and ask him, "You want more children?" I'm not sure what prompted this question, but I felt like asking... He didn't hesitate to answer and said, "I want to have another son, with you. Do you want children?" (Although we've already talked about this briefly in the past) I said, "Yes, not now but maybe 5 years from now." Maybe saying this out loud is going to put everything in to perspective for me. Maybe children are something that I hope to have or maybe I am meant to be around children that are mine for the portion of the day and then sent back in to the care of their parents. But I know that it's something that I want to have. And I'm hoping that he is the person I'm going to start a family with because if I know him and I do, he is an amazing boyfriend, friend, care taker (he babysits a friends dog any time she goes out of town and he is absolutely assertive to the dogs needs) so no doubt he is going to be an even amazing father. He's already an amazing father to his son. He does the best he can from where he's at.

Another thing that I've been changing about myself is my habit of complaining too much, sweating the small stuff, not seeing the bigger picture. And I decided I'm going to change this about myself. I am going to be aware of my bad habits and do everything to reverse them because lets face it-- there's nothing cute about being in the presence of someone that complains about everything.

For instance...

It seems every year my annual task on Christmas day is to peel the potatoes as if I have a sign that every one can see aside for me-- it's big and lights up, reading "Professional Potato Peeler" and every year I stress, "Why am I always asked to do this? I always cut myself on the peeler" so today I caught myself in my bad habit of complaining and said, "Okay, Nicole... you are going to cut the potatoes, you are not going to rush the process and instead enjoy it" and I took my own advice which I seldom do and surprisingly upon my last potato I was overcome with sadness. It actually made me laugh, but I enjoyed it. I took my time and it felt like it went by a lot faster then it normally does! On top of that, I didn't cut myself, not even once! Oh the beauty of enjoying yourself even in the smallest of ways is so liberating.

Another thing I am doing is being positive and optimistic like my old self!

Instead of going to my grand parents house, dreading having to put up with my Papa sarcastic comments, I instead came up to him and planted a kiss on his cheek accompanied by a hug. Just because I felt like it. And the best part was him returning the gesture. It was like our unspoken way of saying "Hi. I accept you as you are and I love you for it." It was nice and made the night a lot easier on me and every one else. Not that my family is big on arguing but some times things are said that puncture the heart and are hurtful.

There are so many things I am trying to improve, so many things I am cultivating, so many things I am learning. I put together some things that I hope to accomplish this year. I always make excuses not to learn something I've always wanted to learn and I never have a valid excuse other then the fact I am lazy about it!

I am in the process of learning Italian and brushing up on my Spanish. I am finding Italian to be so much easier to pick up and learn. I even wrote my Papa a letter today in Italian, and having everyone compliment me on my pronunciation as if to say I seem as if I've been speaking the language since I was old enough to talk. I have a knack for it. It just encourages me to keep learning and not giving up.

The other thing is learning to play the Harmonica. I have a pretty good aptitude for music as I'm a self taught piano player and pick up on things pretty good. These are among the list of things.

Painting again is another and not being scared of accepting offers on a piece of art. I've had offers on my old canvas paintings and never accepted them because of my lack of self confidence and never thinking that I was good enough to accept money for something I created-- a foreign concept if I ever heard one.

Capodanno Risoluzioni

In 2010 I:
Stepped outside of my comfort zone
Met a handful of new people from all backgrounds that I hope to call friends for years to come
Experienced love
Lost myself in order to find myself again
Took a chance and rode a scary rollercoaster
Became closer to my father
Reached out to old friends and relatives
Went to more parties
Spent time with my father for my birthday




New Year Resolutions:
Learn Sign language
Become fluent in Italian
Learn to speak Balinese
Brush up on my Spanish
Be frugal and mindful of the way I spend money
Learn to play the Harmonica
Listen to more Neil Young
Go to school!
Enjoy the process
Be healthy, eat organic if possible
Be emotionally open
Be kind to every one
Eat more ethnic cuisines
Never start something off with "I hate" you are only entertaining negativity

Live One Day at a Time and Make it a Masterpiece

Avoid negative sources, people, places and habits
Believe in yourself
Consider things from every angle
Don't give up and don't give in
Everything you're looking for lies behind the mask you wear
Friends and family are hidden treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches
Give more then you planned to
Hang on to your dreams
If opportunity doesn't know, build a door
Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it
Keep trying no matter how hard it seems
Love yourself
Make it happen
Never lie, steal or cheat
Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values
Practice makes perfect
Quality not quantity in anything you do
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer
Stop procrastinating
Take control of your own destiny
Understand yourself in order to better understand others
Visualize it
When you lose, don't lose the lesson
Xcellence in all your efforts
You are unique, nothing can replace you
Zero in on your target and go for it


What are some little philosophies that you live by?