Image by Susannah Conway.

Last night after writing my previous entry, I found myself finding something to do. My friend/ex-boyfriend, Vince opted to pick me up and take me out for half price appetizers at Applebees to catch up on the past six months. I'm so glad I can still call him a good friend of mine. Actually, I've been pretty good upon maintaining friendships with past romantic partners since I hate to bid farewell on bad terms. Never has it set well with me.

We talked like we've been friends forever, reminiscing over old times, checking out and rating the girls at the bar and even go as far as to ask me for advice on his recent ex-girlfriend. To know that he still confides in me with good intent is more invaluable to me then I think he realizes.

After Applebees we sat in his SUV for a good hour, talked and bullshitted. I think it was the first time I've ever seen him open up and cry, while trying to pull himself together. I have immense amount of respect for him and the way he handles things as of late.

When we were together, he was more self centered, closed off, emotionally and standoffish, which eventually led me to end the relationship. He also had nothing but great things to say about me when I asked about his moms opinion of me after I broke his heart and replied, "Mom was heartbroken along with me, she had a high opinion of you and loved you." Man, I was not expecting that. Not that his mom and I didn't get along, she was a lot of fun and I think about her health with nothing more then genuine concern.

It was a good talk. I let him know some of my concerns that I never expressed for the duration of our relationship, admitted that I may have been (reasonably) needy at times and even a little jealous of one of the employees at his store even though I absolutely adored her and her artistic abilities. I felt like it was something that needed to get out. He said his recent ex said the same thing about said employee and I laughed in relief that it wasn't just me!

So last night turned out to be a good one for the most part. Despite coming home to concerns regarding my relationship with Ryan. I don't know what to feel or think about some things. I still love and care about him and hope nothing more that our relationship is as strong as I keep trying to convince myself that it is. I just have some insecurities.

For instance, he is always excited to speak to me. Upon answering the phone he always says, "There's my girl" or "Babyyyyy!" and I love it. Those always put the conversation to a good start but lately it's like, in a less then enthusiastic tone, "Hey..." And as I noted yesterday, rushing me off the phone without as little as an "I love you" really annoys me. He always says I love you. Or I miss you. Or both. He doesn't call back, even if he says he's going too (He usually does) Also, my phones been off since the middle of the month, so his only means of contact without calling the house in the middle of the night is messaging me via Facebook. So, maybe I should cut him some slack, our friend DID just get back in town, he's a little preoccupied, but I'm feeling so unimportant to him, as if I'm the last person he thinks about. And if he does, he has a funny way of showing it.

I don't care to end things over his behavior over the past couple of days. I have put in to consideration that I can be quite difficult at times. Not necessarily that I am tough to please or tough on our relationship, but I do have my faults and I'll express a few.

1) My own insecurities regarding myself physically. I have a tendency of having negative self-talk out of subconscious, like, "I look so ugly", "Why can't I be pretty?", "My feet are so gross" and he's constantly telling me that I'm beautiful and the other day he got so fed up and said, "Stop! Stop saying these things about yourself that aren't true. You're beautiful and thin... it's not like you're disgustingly obese that you can't see your vagina" and I muttered, "I'm not perfect" and as a matter of factly he said, "Yes you are." (He always says You're perfect for me)

I realize this is something I need to get a hold on and stop. As part of my resolutions is to stop starting things with "I hate" or the negative self-talk that I just mentioned. It's never done me any good in past relationships because all of my ex-boyfriends have stressed enough that when they compliment me I have a way of disregarding them like a stick in the mud, as if to look at them and bold face say "You're a liar" And that can turn a good relationship around like THAT!

2) Lack of unemployment. I plan on having a job and have tried to look for one, I just took a break over the Holidays due to a quick relapse in depression. I have only been unemployed for the past couple of months so it's not like it's a permanent situation. I want a job and have no excuse. But I also don't control the job market. I can't force people to give me a job if they're not hiring.

His opinion on the matter is, "If I'm working and saving money so I can come home so you and I can finally be and live together. It says a lot about my efforts to making things work. You aren't putting effort in to having a job otherwise you'd have one already. And you need to have a job because I can't support you on my income, as much as I wish too. I want to be with you forever, I love you and care so I'm only saying this out of concern for you and me." As I was telling Vince last night, he made a pretty valid point saying a relationship is 100/100, we both nave to contribute equally. He's taking initiative to save up so he and I can get a place together and I'm not contributing to the funds.

Also being unemployed has put a damper on my mood. He always says, "Where's the fun, energetic, girlfriend that I am in love with?" So maybe this funk if putting a little strain on the relationship, but luckily, everything is only temporary.

A little reminder of the day for you (and for myself):