Operation Happiness Project; Day pre-project through 5

I have been spending the Holidays with my family. Sadly my boyfriend has to stay in California for the next couple of months since being promoted at his job. He was originally suppose to get back last Sunday but just can't afford the trip. I am learning to exercise patience and understanding as part of my project to bettering, improving, and being a happier me, seeing as if I were in his position I'd just want his support and above all respect for any decision I'd make concerning the same thing, so... that's that.

My niece came in to visit from St. Louis on the 16th and stayed here til the 24th... she left yesterday afternoon and I'd say the time I spent with her at the Airport was probably the most I spent with her while she was here. Over the past 4 days I had to re-evaluate some things and address some problems I began facing. First starting with myself... I wasn't happy with anything-- the only thing that I deemed important was my relationship with my bf, Ryan.

The day before I started my project, I was honest with him and myself and said, "I'm NOT happy. Not to say I'm not happy to have you but it's so much more to me then that, I can't let my relationship be the focal point of my happiness because if I can't be happy on my own, I can't expect you or anybody else to make me happy in the long run and that is something I don't care to put either of us through" and I am so lucky to have someone as amazingly graceful as him. He encourages me to want to be better and that is better then winning the lottery in my opinion.

I had this epiphany while laying in bed, on the verge of tears, talking to him over obstacles I was challenged with, I just couldn't fathom enough that that is the way I choose to be.

I did enjoy the last night with my niece though. I was already on day 3 of my project-- feeling like I could move a mountain if I felt like it. My confidence in my spiritual journey had sky-rocketed. I am not saying that I am not going to have a bad day, I expect those-- it's about my approach to handling things that are going to seem unbearably stressful. I say that being negative doesn't make you happy, right? So why am I going to feed on negative energy when I can instead be around things that I am passionate about and going to give me hope and motivate me in the direction that I am needing to go to change.

I have been in the process of trying to get back in to school. After being told that I needed 15 college credits to enlist with the Air Force I figured that I'd just stop trying-- I am 25, and the cut off age is 27. This was my outlook, plain and simple,the cup half empty point of view-- I was turning in to my ex-boyfriend that was pessimistic about everything if he didn't get his way; an outlook I hoped to never cultivate, yet had. It was not my normal way of seeing things. I'm a go-getter, someone that sets out for something and hopes to get it and if she doesn't then that's okay too. As long as I made some effort, that was good enough for me, and if it's something I felt was worthy of getting back up and trying again then even better!

I spent last night in Plant City for Christmas Eve with my family. My cousins both have 3 children and I am the only female of my cousins that DOESN'T have children, isn't married and I've yet to have my boyfriend over to meet the extended family and again, the only female that hasn't brought a guy to meet anyone, so imagine being compared to your cousins, constantly reminded that you're not married yet with no children of your own. Or having your Papa joke, "So, when are you bringing your girlfriend over to meet us?"

So, I am playing with my cousins 6 month old little boy. He is an absolute delight-- chubby cheeks, a smile to light up a room and just about the happiest baby you'd ever seen. I was in love, I even made a comment to Kristle about stealing him and possibly never returning him because I'd fallen in love. As the night went on, I found myself in the midst of all 6 children-- all between the ages of 6 months to 7 tears old. And I felt like I was in my element, to be in the company of these little creatures and felt, "I can do this all day!" and at that moment I figured out that I need to go to school to become a teacher, forget the Air Force. I knew that being around children and teaching made me happy.

I got home, fell asleep and later in to the night after my body got the much needed rest it'd been craving, I called my boyfriend. As always if he and I go a portion of the day having no contact, we're immensely that much more excited to speak with each other, so I get on the phone with him and ask him, "You want more children?" I'm not sure what prompted this question, but I felt like asking... He didn't hesitate to answer and said, "I want to have another son, with you. Do you want children?" (Although we've already talked about this briefly in the past) I said, "Yes, not now but maybe 5 years from now." Maybe saying this out loud is going to put everything in to perspective for me. Maybe children are something that I hope to have or maybe I am meant to be around children that are mine for the portion of the day and then sent back in to the care of their parents. But I know that it's something that I want to have. And I'm hoping that he is the person I'm going to start a family with because if I know him and I do, he is an amazing boyfriend, friend, care taker (he babysits a friends dog any time she goes out of town and he is absolutely assertive to the dogs needs) so no doubt he is going to be an even amazing father. He's already an amazing father to his son. He does the best he can from where he's at.

Another thing that I've been changing about myself is my habit of complaining too much, sweating the small stuff, not seeing the bigger picture. And I decided I'm going to change this about myself. I am going to be aware of my bad habits and do everything to reverse them because lets face it-- there's nothing cute about being in the presence of someone that complains about everything.

For instance...

It seems every year my annual task on Christmas day is to peel the potatoes as if I have a sign that every one can see aside for me-- it's big and lights up, reading "Professional Potato Peeler" and every year I stress, "Why am I always asked to do this? I always cut myself on the peeler" so today I caught myself in my bad habit of complaining and said, "Okay, Nicole... you are going to cut the potatoes, you are not going to rush the process and instead enjoy it" and I took my own advice which I seldom do and surprisingly upon my last potato I was overcome with sadness. It actually made me laugh, but I enjoyed it. I took my time and it felt like it went by a lot faster then it normally does! On top of that, I didn't cut myself, not even once! Oh the beauty of enjoying yourself even in the smallest of ways is so liberating.

Another thing I am doing is being positive and optimistic like my old self!

Instead of going to my grand parents house, dreading having to put up with my Papa sarcastic comments, I instead came up to him and planted a kiss on his cheek accompanied by a hug. Just because I felt like it. And the best part was him returning the gesture. It was like our unspoken way of saying "Hi. I accept you as you are and I love you for it." It was nice and made the night a lot easier on me and every one else. Not that my family is big on arguing but some times things are said that puncture the heart and are hurtful.

There are so many things I am trying to improve, so many things I am cultivating, so many things I am learning. I put together some things that I hope to accomplish this year. I always make excuses not to learn something I've always wanted to learn and I never have a valid excuse other then the fact I am lazy about it!

I am in the process of learning Italian and brushing up on my Spanish. I am finding Italian to be so much easier to pick up and learn. I even wrote my Papa a letter today in Italian, and having everyone compliment me on my pronunciation as if to say I seem as if I've been speaking the language since I was old enough to talk. I have a knack for it. It just encourages me to keep learning and not giving up.

The other thing is learning to play the Harmonica. I have a pretty good aptitude for music as I'm a self taught piano player and pick up on things pretty good. These are among the list of things.

Painting again is another and not being scared of accepting offers on a piece of art. I've had offers on my old canvas paintings and never accepted them because of my lack of self confidence and never thinking that I was good enough to accept money for something I created-- a foreign concept if I ever heard one.